The pendulum of experiences in these last 12 months (both personally and professionally) has shown me the darkness and beauty of life. I’d be remiss to say that this year didn’t show me an incredible amount of grace and delightful moments amidst the pain.
Oh 2019, what a year filled with contradictions: I felt the most alone, when I was surrounded by the most amount of people. I found love when I was at my darkest moment. I received the most generosity when I least needed it. I gained sisters when I lost one. Family gained a whole new meaning when my mother passed. I became adaptable when dealing with my own rigidity. I found wholeness when I was broken. Lastly, I decided to start living, when facing my mother’s and my mortality. Often times I get entrapped in my analytical ways, and evidence-based thinking to define life and the lessons it provides. I would start delineating its features, its valleys, and troughs, which often undermined its substance. That method was truly pointless. This last year I entangled myself in a futile exercise of unraveling the variables that constituted life. The coping mechanism of 2019 was intellectualization and rationalization. A mechanism that made me forget to look around and see the paved roads that surrounded me. Roads that revealed I have been on the sideline… ( if that makes any sense..anyway)
As 2020 creeps around the corner, I am letting go of trying to define every experience, and I am choosing to be “more” present. I am going to start living a little more, feeling a little more, loving a little more, risking a little more, laughing a little more, cooking a little more, sleeping a little more, drawing/painting a little more, and dare a little more. Simply put, I am going to let the waves of life carry me instead of attempting to control it. Anyway 2019, it’s been real.